HOPE...LESS

HOPE...LESS

falsify my thoughts - riddle me with the anger emotions grow
tangle my love in the tree of woe - soak me up then blow...
rust my bones until i ferment the earth - give birth to my curse
menace my intentions - lock me in a cage then free me from inhibition's thirst
dramatize everything i say til i sound redundent - dumbstruck n push me til i burst
just so im wrong to go off first - exhaust my heart until it hearts to see me @ my worst
let me stand on the edge of the canyon, lookin for a companion - an encourage me to fly
bury me in the sky as i flutter in n out of highs... drown me in thoughts til im clouded in the mind
show me the way to where i shouldnt be, keep telling me its my time... keep sayin things r fine
im jus goin a little out of my mind.. i collapse onto this floor angry and heart broken
over nothing forevermore - psychotic now for sure...
as i walk to the shores.. lookin for heavens doors
dillusional ive become.. confused forever more..
hope..less..and do much more...
-def

its ok just cry

ITS OK..JUST CRY

cry....its ok just cry....
i promise you its ok to cry...
let it all out just cry.....
i wont tell anyone just..cry....

Torment does not sustain
happiness does not last
smiles disappear quite fast
obligations feel like restraints
depression feels like the heaviest weight
on the mind...and it hates...
it feeds sorrow to the rest of u...
it lets every thought get the best of you
you never feel complete or get the better view
i'd rather cry, or see u cry
than let life get the best of you

so y dont you
if you need to
you should feel free to
we all need to
if it's normal
then its normal
dont look at it as a burden
if your hurtin
bleed it out...holdin it in...
just isnt worth it
so if you need to
if u want to
you shouldnt even have to try...
its ok just...cry...

rain clears eventually
but in that moment time is forgotten
and missery, lingers suspiciously
right through you and u might not know it
but your face sure as hell shows it
we both know it
dont ever feel like it isnt the right time
if your emotions overload and u need to cry
everytime i write...
its my way of just letting myself cry
cuz why should i...hold back what i feel
behind these eyes...behind these lines...
behind this heart...behind this mind
cuz i feel fine...right now writin
express ur feelings..however u would like it

so y dont you
if you need to
you should feel free to
we all need to
if it's normal
then its normal
dont look at it as a burden
if your hurtin
bleed it out...holdin it in...
just isnt worth it
so if you need to
if u want to
you shouldnt even have to try...
its ok just...cry...

scars

SCARS

this is an out of body look at myself -
lookn for correction
a spoof of perfection -
confused on what i see
quickly aroused with questions
lookin for a connection -
but nothin's ringin the bell
to hell with this stressin
i take another glimpse of myself
and see times collection of turmoil
written in my posture
my face creation is one of a monster
replicatin somethin of popular taste
only issue is im absorbin it's ways
harvest the artist in the grave -
departed but yet never parted
like harvard n good grades
look what i started farthest from sane -
introduced to myself
and now i understand what they say
this kids not ok,
he's bizerk look at how he behaves
but back n my skin i conflict with those
other feelings n i soon feel betrayed
love me for who i am - the way i was made
i live and i make mistakes
and have hard knocks -
but who doesnt ok?
i take off this paint
but the face doesnt change...
ive become the darker image
scarred forever
from what the people say

complicated

Complicated

i dunno how many people actually come into this realm of mine and read my blogs. I know people do the numbers tell me that much..but i dunno who's reading what..who's liking what and whos not liking certain things... but its fine..cuz i know someone is reading whats on my mind and that makes this purposeful. What i do kno tho is that there is one person who always reads what i write... and that person is who this blog is dedicated to... She introduced me to sleep and many other great things. She's stuck by me thru hell n back.. how or why i dunno.. but im grateful. i just wanna say one thing before i go into my writing... I love you..

Complicated:
this is the story of my life long journey
so many wrongs that right turns from me
so many songs that ive written
now my words write for me
so many loves in my lifetime
y cant one just keep love for me?
maybe she did and i just havent met her
maybe i did but in i just didnt let her
maybe i did but she just isnt here yet
too many maybes but we'll see when she does get
here next to me victory or tragedy
her eyes are all i imagine to see
diamonds in my lifetime cant
be prized like those behind her blink
I thought i was doin the right thing
then reality pointed me towards the truth
now im stuck here in this situation confused
where did i go wrong.. how did i not hold on
i was holdin on but not for the right reason
and that's probably why my head
was changin like the seasons - now im bleedin out the pain
shedding my old skin - and seeing the real picture
finding that real girlfriend.. someone who believes in me
and can stand by me thru the good n bad n remain strong
the love that i need that i can love all night long
she fits the equation - and it makes so much sense
after all this is what i was invisioning before all this
so when ya not off in the distance...and we can commit to it
great we can make this instead of complicated..

[In My Mind]

Can you see it
can u feel it when ur standing there
can u hear it
its everywhere i wish i could freeze this
love i feel inside i cant believe it
this feeling between u and i
its exactly what i needed...the void is no longer my
burdon to be with, im gaining back my pride
i look into your eyes.. and i see my stomach
filling with butterflies.. a guy who feels so strong
and knows its been like this all a long
and to think i almost said so long
to think i almost let you be gone
i see u and all i see is colors... vivid filled with
this cluster of emotions, rushing through my fingertips
leaning me forward to kiss your lips
and send chills down to ur finger tips
any more and we might have to make a trip
to anywhere that is private...
with u i no longer feel lifeless
and i love how i feel like this...
in my mind i pictured it like this
smiles and all types of gay soundin shit.. =]

System OverLoad

System OverLoad

Intro
So u never..never..u never know
never never know...
never know enough...til it's over love
til we lose control...System over load....
screamin...no no no na-noo

chorus
WE LOSE CONTROL..
system overload... system overloadd..
screamin no no no na-noo na-noo
screamin no no no na-noo na-noo

verse:
i was in love with you like soft snow in december
to a virgin eye of it's kind now all i remember
is the winter in our emotions so cold, now just hopeless
heartless is what it was.. your feelings were noticed
i feel it and cant hold it - dont wanna - it's over
u said it - i quote it - you lied - and i know it..
it's all good cuz i no longer oppose it...
it's like the system of which are love was built
overloaded - exploded - crashed n burned
and i tried.. but u let a once fresh become a dead rose
so know this this my notice of decomission
im dead in gone.. and from the new me is where this comes from

chorus
WE LOSE CONTROL
System Overload...System Overload
Screamin NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOOO..NA-NOOO
SCREAMING NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOO..NA-NOOO

Verse 2
Now lemme start by apologizin
for pushin u away, and all my tryin
to keep u n the distance it made no sense in denyin
i was tryin.. to do the right thing
but u were there in the beginning so i blew the right thing
now it's contradicting.. the way that i write
but i cant help the way my heart has twisted
all i can do now is try to help untangle the ties
im like the tide coming in recycling n making new
i never knew i would grow to be on the road to loving u
so it's true.. if u feel it then its real..
and if u dont.. then i know exactly how u use to feel..
BUT BEFORE THE CHORUS IM FEELIN THE PRESSURE
BREAKING ME IN HALF... I CANT CRY OR SMILE
I CAN BARELY ATTEMPT TO THINK TO LAUGH
ITS FIRE IN THE VEINS STAGGERING MY THOUGHTS
ITS HAUNTING ME THROUGH MY WORDS WHILE I TALK
ITS BENDING MY WORLD LIKE A FREED MIND IN THE MATRIX
ITS CURRUPTING EVERYTHING I KNOW...AND I JUST CANT TAKE IT
SUSPENDED IN THE TRANSITION IM UNABLE TO PAY ATTENTION
IM TIRED OF BITCHIN.. I JUST WANNA BE IN LOVE WIT NO TRIPPIN
I WANNA BE TRUSTED N TRUST.. N NOT HAVE LUST AS COMPETITION
I WANNA JUST HAVE WHAT IVE ALWAYS BEEN MISSIN...
and i feel it commin.. like the winds of summer time
once spring arrives i'll be fine..jus need time to grow
im so tainted by this system overload and it shows...

chorus
WE LOSE CONTROL..
System Overload...System Overload
Screamin NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOOO..NA-NOOO
SCREAMING NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOO..NA-NOOO

verse 3
It's never about me i dont even kno how to approach the point of view
all i been focused on is you, or you, or somebody i need somethin new
some reflection on myself in seek of perfection
i need a deeper connection - a purer form of expression upon myself
i cant always be worried bout somebody else nobody else
is carin for my health enough to offer me serious help
im inferior and exterior with little interior as the new year grows nearer
i see so much clearer - the picture perfect me i use to think to be
is a stain of himself wishin for mister clean
no longer do i wanna be a mystery - or just a being
this is the beginning of a difference in things for me n the time to come
the system is overloaded from the times ive been thru
and everything that is now forever done...

Chorus
WE LOSE CONTROL..
System Overload...System Overload
Screamin NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOOO..NA-NOOO
SCREAMING NO NO Screamin NO NO NA-NOO..NA-NOOO

saw it in my dream

i saw it in my dream

I saw the world shift from a great day to a still night
dream realm but it felt like it were real life
thunder storm shattered the cheer - lightening created brim fright
a chilled life was about to realize what the last breath would feel like
i was tall as the sky on stage with a steel mic - all the fame it felt right
clothing line glammed my shine - my name was in bright lights
sold out arena's - bills werent a thing to scheme up
ways to make quick cash 4 - cuz now i could afford a fleet of 2 seaters
i was on award shows acceptin em on behalf of a lifetime of non believers
house shaped like the home that nurished my up bringin
so many women in my life i couldnt keep up
wife lookin right stood by myside so the hood rats i neva needed em
my 2 kids loved there pops busy life but was still there when they needed em
there was not an ounce of conceded feelings in em love was gleamin from em
but hate was the demon to em - couldnt escape it like big was singin to em
but i saw my lifetime achievement reached i was set - my life complete
now all i wanted was a place for my life's retreat
all i could see was the positive side of things these days
no negativity was in my visions my success had completely brought change to ways
but i couldnt escape demons like bruce - was left in the dark in some parts confused
i lost my friend to flyin bullets and i was saved but neva knew
then the night came to explain why god would do as he chooses to do
tucked my kids into bed kissed em on the head told em i loved em forever
and never leave them and truth flowed thru ever word that was said
layed next to my wife and told her she was the love of my life
and thanked her for helping me figure out how to do everything i dreamed so right
she kissed me and we made love seeding a dream for future scenes
i was in extacy heavens i neva dreamed she completed me i was whole..
i had it all - my career and my family... i took a midnight stroll to love the world
and i heard screeching tires shoot thru me like the tormenting memory when 14 years old
i knew it was coming and i saw it clearer as i was givin access to the future
bullets flew thru my angels and demons right into my capsule of life
i saw nothin before the white took over except the flashin lights
i saw a presence infront of me askin me if i knew i was here
i said i had no idea.. and i saw my friend standing in the rear.
tears came to my eyes as i screamed George.. then god forged
his appearance upond me.. and i lost it all in a flash
he was me but in a purer form and he said if u have questions this would b the chance to ask
i collected mysef and quickly said why did u take me now?
this was like a pitcher throwin a no hitter n the coach takin em out
what did i do to deserve death now? my family is gonna be crushed
why did u take me out?
he calmly replied.. this was your time it was suppose to be shorter before
but ur heart grew when u began livin for urself and for George
u took his love for music and u made it your own
so u lived out his dream and completed the cycle u became vital to everything and more
you my son are stronger than u think - your kids will live a positive life
and you will be the strongest link and the foundation u left them will bring them all they will need
u see i took u at the moment when u you needed to go
ur spirited exceeded it's glow, and this is how your inner being wanted to go
on top so now u'll be remembered by all, u'll never be thought of as sour
ur voice will ring cries around the world as your statue of life is empowered
i understand... i said with tears streaming from my eyes.. like my soul was bleeding
so what happens now? he said nothing.. u must live out this fate for now ur only dreaming...

Getaway

[23 Dec 2008 | Tuesday]

Getaway New Years...2009.... I have lived and have learned and have tried and have failed, but have succeeded in seeing what i needed to see to move forward.. to leave the place of which i thought was my comfort.. and voyage beyond all to start again. To rid myself of the past being in my present, to letting old feelings dwindle like a flame, to be put to rest like a soft goodbye into the night. My time has come and to be who i need to be this time is needed now more than ever. I have casted my shadows in places it is only a mere shadow, i have danced where my presence was unaccounted for, and i have loved where there was no home for my love to stay.. this year..2009 is my Getaway. i felt it in the air as it came as it passed through me, when it left i wasnt the same, everything changed i became my other name, call me Def see me gone - no longer here say fair well cuz im absent in your presence - ive set sail not out of spite not for you, thats the thing u see i bailed cuz i needed it to be about me, this is a story i cant tell but the tale is about nobody else, just a boy that for years, several years, he only lived for others joy where was his? it had hid then became lost in his voice was it his choice? no it never was my choice - my love jus deployed i became a heart - that would bleed for people other than me and i made mistakes - tried to fix - but they'd just repeat this could no longer be - i fell far from where i ought to be i would often see - mirages of things id been dodgin lost in the masses - my soul faking expressions became exhaustin so i lost it - said fuck a profit - i'll flop my hand to rid it of nonsense thru percaution to the wind - the story now comes to an end adrian met his match - deficit enhaled his sins then gained a 2nd wind - the storm raged like pirates @ worlds end my life up to this point has been so much like this whirlwind friendships come 2 an end - girlfriends stil girls but no longer friends sick to my stomach at what's becomin then saw where this is ive fallen upon the tip of the ledge -home to a my burnin bridge understand im learnin this - goodbye type of thing... saying to ppl i thought id never have to say it to but i just refuse to continue this emotional fight to clear my head and do what i know is wise.. the fire keeps burning brighter clearly trying to give me a sign... so i say goodbye to those.. ive loved more than my own life at one point in time and walk down a different line... ready to not be affraid - ive said it before but i mean it today gotta grow a wall - not an icebox - a love renegade personality grows back and stays - from my previous life i've strayed - not tryin to hurt feelings but i need this healing - so im preparing for my getaway... i think at some point people forgot i was human too... and my emotions are real like theres... and ive been subjected to so much... and its clear it seems they'll never understand... so here i am preparing to take flight...to heights without anyone and especially without those few...you and im sorry but i must depart ...to regain who i am so this is where the story begins to end....as i getaway